Last week, I attended a mini seminar on confidence. I know, I know, I seem so confident. Sometimes so much so, it has been mistaken for arrogance. But really, I am not confident. I doubt myself constantly. I need outside validation to anchor my own worth to. Am I good husband? Father? Artist? SCAdian? Person? I look to others to tell me that.
That isn’t to say I am always unaware of my own worth. But the seed of doubt is always there.
[Aside: notice I didn’t say “son?” above; there is a lot of baggage there, given the events of the last 18 months or possibly the last 53 years. We just won’t poke that bear.]
Related to that, a (SCA) friend wanted to get to know me better. I sent my SCA resume. They said, “I want to get know you, not what you have done.” That struck me. Are we not the sum of our experiences? But in hindsight, that isn’t who we are. I am not a list of jobs, awards, and things I have made. Those might be signposts that point to who I am. They might be effects of who I am but what is the cause? Who am I?
It is in this state that I entered this mini seminar. I am still trying to work out what it all means. The seminar was ~15 minutes per day for 5 days. How could 5 questions, given over a bit more than an hour, be so hard to answer?
I will have to rewatch the videos but the questions tried to pierce our masks to get to the real person. Who do we want to be? Who do we admire? What do we like about ourselves? What are our gifts/magic? I also remember Honor asked some of these questions as she was trying to find/remind herself.
I had answers to these questions once. I am struggling to find answers to these again.
My friend Lara turned me onto a personal coach for this confidence seminar. She recently posted.
“Hi, I’m Lara. I wanted to tell you why you need to attend the Permission to Show Up Authentically on May 25.
Just last summer, I felt like I was hitting my head on the proverbial wall.
I was struggling with a lot of connections and not getting the goals I truly wanted. I felt like there was no movement, just stagnation.
•==>> I wanted more joyful connections rather than the friction that seemed to be happening.
• ==>> I wanted a recognition that I thought was way overdue.
• ==>> I wanted to get my health numbers stable and felt like I hit a plateau I couldn’t move past.
While working with Christina, I uncovered soooo much. I could probably go on for days and I’m not even sure how we got here.
Now, just 9 months later:
•==>> I’m seeing my connections in a new way because I see myself in a new way.
•==>> I’ve let go of the need for recognition but still tend to get it when I focus on the people who are showing up for me.
•==>> Even my health numbers have finally made a jump too! (And Christina doesn’t talk about food or exercise – at least with me).
I want to tell you what made the difference…
Christina heard me and accepted me exactly where I am. She heard where I wanted to go and challenged me to let go of pieces that I clung to but were not working anyway.
You see I wanted to show up joyful, connected, and electrically creative.
But instead of focusing on how I wanted to show up, I showed up as I thought the world wanted me to and then I got real angry and resentful that who I was wasn’t enough —
•==>> Which made me want recognition even more…
•==>> Which made me want to show up as they wanted me to…
•==>> Which made me resentful that my authentic self wasn’t safe or appreciated…
•==>> Which made me want to put on even more masks (one of which was being a martyr – anyone else?).
•==>> And so the cycle would continue.
It was the stress that kept my health numbers in unsafe areas. It was the part of me that was angry inside for having to hide that made me want recognition even more. And it was these two things that kept me from having the connection I wanted.
What I’ve learned since working with Christina is that when I show up just like I really want to, it breaks the cycle.
I care less about what others think as long as I am showing up as my joyful, electrifying, connected self. I know that other peoples’ actions or reactions aren’t about me and most importantly…
I DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE WHO I AM IN RESPONSE TO SOMEONE ELSE’S JUDGEMENTS OR ACTIONS.
I can show up authentically myself and feel good about it… dare I say even confident about who I am!
Do you want to be more authentic? More confident about who you are, how you relate and what you want?
I mean, we all do, right?
I encourage you to attend Permission to Show Up Authentically on May 25.
I mean, I’m still a work in progress, but for the first time, Christina is showing me that people connect with me because of who I really am instead of a version of myself I think they want.
I can tell you showing up authentically was hard at first. It felt vulnerable and there are times I still have trouble not reacting to others rather than tuning in to how I want to show up… but that’s the work.
Christina will explain it all to you at the event.
It’s a free event you don’t want to miss.
Register for free here=> https://christina-smith.com/show-up-authentically/
Thanks for listening to my story. It’s vulnerable to share and I offer it in hope that it helps you.
xoxo, Lara”
I have to say, a lot of that resonated with me. I seek recognition that I feel I am overdue for. I have cycle of seeking, hiding, pretending. I get angry at criticisms because I feel that I am fraud and you found me out. Or worse, I played the part I thought you wanted and you are telling me you don’t like it. I compare myself to others and try to find my value there.
See, I have always pretended. I moved every four years (or more) between 0 and 25. I was always the outsider. I would change my accent to fit in. I would forget my mistakes from the previous place because no one knew about them but me. I didn’t maintain many friendships because what was the point? I was just going to leave soon anyway. I don’t really remember much. At least, I don’t the way I think others do. I remember specific events in my childhood but I can’t zero in on a specific day.
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I always liked Crystal Chamfron because it is a low key event for me. It is generally smaller. I usually don’t have many obligations. So I can spend the time around a fire and drink with friends. When I drink, I don’t doubt. I don’t think I am an alcoholic. I don’t get drunk often and I don’t really drink that often, especially for someone who makes alcohol for a hobby! But I stop pretending when I drink. And I think that person is a good person. He doesn’t doubt himself. He sings because he wants to. He cries because he needs to. He hugs (and with his wife, kisses) because he wants contact. He laughs because it feels good. And He misses places that his rational mind says doesn’t really exist. But the question is, is that who I am? Or is that just another Dionysian mask? Is it just my emotions without doubt to dull them?
At Chamfron, I was pretty drunk and I started singing. Someone (Strawberry, I think) said, “you have a wonderful singing voice.” I said, “I do have a wonderful singing voice.” In my state at the time, I don’t think my response was given in arrogant or boastful way. Simply a quiet, “yeah. I do sing well.” That is something I know.
I recently started learning more about ciders and joined the American Cider Association to gain certifications. I started doing it as a different way to gain external validation. It is achievable. Regardless of how many times I fail, I can simply pay more money and try again until I pass. But is outside validation always wrong? It is something I like and can be good at. That feels alright. Others practice things and gain status but as long as we not doing only because of status, that is okay, right? Oh no, the dreaded cookie. I am not implying I have done anything else just to gain status. I have felt resentful for the recognition not coming because of the things I have done. But for the important things I have done, I didn’t plan on doing them. They just happened.
On the ACA thing. Even if never get to do anything as a certified pommelier, I will feel fulfilled for doing so. And I think that is okay. I felt great for singing Bach Mass in B-Minor. I don’t know that I will ever sing it again. It is okay to want to be good at something.
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I am in a weird place. I am adrift because I realize that I don’t really understand myself. I feel okay because I am actively looking at each piece and saying, “is this really me? or is it an act?” I am making choices or at least accepting those pieces I think are me. It will be a long process. Perhaps this is the mid-life crisis, relearning who we are after decades of living.
