One of the things I have been very interested in of late in education on mental health. Obviously, mental health professionals know about mental health but there are other professionals who should have a surface level knowledge of mental health conditions. From my point of view, HR professionals should have a cursory knowledge but I am finding that they do not. By extension, supervisors should have a small amount of knowledge about mental health, because HR should be educating them, but they do not. I want to change that.
One of the ways, I want to change that is by giving first hand experience on my journey. This is not about me. I mean, I do like to talk about myself, but I am the vehicle in this case. I am not trying to get people to feel sorry for me or feel any particular way about my experience. I am using my experience as a example that hopefully gives you insight to others. The unfortunate part is my knowledge is limited and mental health conditions affect people uniquely. It is my hope though that my experience is not atypical and can serve as an example.
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One of the areas that I think is largely lacking is understanding what it feels like to be on medication. I have been on two but I am pretty self aware so I wanted to discuss what those medications feel like.
I was first put on an anti-depressant, nortriptyline. It was a low dose and I was not put on it for mental health reasons. I was on this medication from January 2024 through August 2024. The first thing I noticed is that my inner monologue got very quiet. This was good because my self-talk was very negative and causing me problems. My brain started singing to me. This was also good. Or at least, it felt like it.
I felt that I didn’t want to be seen. I wanted to be quiet. I was in some ways, blissful. Things didn’t bother me as much. Given how my work suffered, some things should have bothered me more but they just didn’t. It was not that I was unaware of events. I was aware. They just seemed more transient.
My wife did comment that I didn’t seem like myself. For reference to something later in the piece, I didn’t feel different between doses of the medication. I didn’t feel different while on it.
At Pennsic, it was rough. I had posted already about the heat and how my brain felt. I very much felt like Detritus. The hotter it got, the dumber I felt. I made poor decisions. I could noticably make better decisions when the sun started setting and it got cooler. I don’t know if this was a side-effect of the medication but it drove home that something was not right.
I posted before and I will repeat, I miss how I felt on that medication. I felt peaceful. I don’t want to not be myself but I did like how I felt on that medication.
Fast forward to December 2024, my work life was getting worse. I had gone back to therapy and I was starting to get tested for conditions. I had a sinus infection and I started taking Sudafed for it. I felt I could focus more. I talked to my doctor and started taking Adderall.
I can tell when the Adderall starts. It is about 15 minutes after I take it. I become more serious. My pulse quickens. I tense up a bit too. I imagine it is what a Mentat must feel like when they take a hit of juice. I feel like I should go to work and I start thinking about how I will tackle the day. I have a better chance of seeing errors and correcting them. I can edit my work before I submit. I can spend longer on any given task. Before all of this, I would often have music playing but on Adderall, I will forget to turn it on. Then around 3:30 pm, I can feel it wear off. I play loud and angry music on the drive home. By the time I get home, I am tired. The “‘real” me comes out but he is too tired to joke or do much of anything.
Other things too. I have often been itchy. I scratch my head a lot. Not when the Adderall is active. I trip over my words a bit more too when the Adderall is active.
I don’t like how I feel on Adderall. I am not sad but I am not happy. I am doing my work, as well as I can. With Adderall, my work is better that without. I don’t take it on the weekends or if I am off work. Most Saturdays, I am really tired. I want to nap. It is only on Sunday that I feel like myself. Only to start up again on Monday.
